LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER 2

THINGS I WISH ALL FATHERS COULD DO AND SAY TO THEIR DAUGTERS

It was on 30th August, 2020, my 45th birthday. I got home from Church and after having my lunch and a brief moment of rest, my one and only Daughter, Juanita walked up to me and presented a beautifully  designed hand-made card to me as my birthday card. 

While I was so excited about her ingenuity and thoughtfulness, I observed that she was not in the best of mood. Out of curiosity, I went into her bed room and I sat on her cushion chair while she sat on her bed.

Then I asked her to come over for a hug which of course is one of the routines between me and her only that this time around it was given as gift in appreciation for the precious birthday gift shed had earlier presented to me. She sat back on her bed, I said to her in a softest tone of voice possible that I really want to have a heart-to heart, father- daughter discussion with her.

Initially, she was taken aback because she wondered why I really decided to make it a one on one discussion and why it should be in her private room rather than just calling her over to my room or to the living room and dish out the instructions. The truth is that I was having that kind of intimate personal talk with my daughter in such a setting for the first time. Part of the reasons was that it suddenly dawned on me that little girl I used to know is now gradually transforming into a grown up girl and I needed to switch my role from being a lecturer or stern instructor to becoming a friend and an adviser.

Fast forward, for the first time after 12 years since Juanita was born, I noticed an unusual surge of confidence, an incredible outburst of joy characterized by constant smile. 

Undoubtedly, that heart to heart discussion marked a dramatic turn -around in my relationship with my daughter. I realized that most fathers are not aware of how much impact their words and actions could make on the lives of their daughters. My intention in this letter is to share with several daughters on Purple Light Platform and all across the world some of the things I discussed with my daughter on the day I referred to on that eventful day (and other things that have characterized our relationship before then) which made profound impact on her life. 

I  will highlight below 7 things every daughter needs to hear from her father or experience in her relationship with him.

1)KNOW THAT DADDY WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU NO MATTER THE SITUATION

On that particular day, I looked straight into the eyes of my daughter and I said to her that no matter the situation, I will always love her and I will always stand by her.

 The greatest gift a father can give to his daughter is unconditional love. Most fathers will love their daughters when they behave well, get good grades, comply with moral ethics, and achieve great results in sport, business and career. However, if there is any time a girl child (or any child for that matter) needs love from her father, it is when she is coming short. 

Researches have indicated that the major reason why many girls got involved in social vices like substance abuse, teenage pregnancy, prostitution and so on was because they were trying to search for love and approval that they did not get from their fathers.

 I am sure most of you reading this letter are craving silently for the love of your fathers. You long to hear him say to you how much he loves you. You wish your Dad could realized how much his unconditional love means to you. And in addition to verbalizing it, daughters also need their fathers to demonstrate their unconditional love in a more practical ways like constant hugging, eye contact and giving of gifts. I know from my experience with my daughter that this could make a tremendous impact in the relationship between fathers and daughters. 

Since I decided to tell my daughter every day that I love her and make sure I give a daily hug, our connection and intimacy had greatly improved.

2) YOU CAN TALK TO DADDY ABOUT ANYTHING AND HE WILL LISTEN

I said to my daughter with strong assurance that she should feel free to talk to me about anything no matter how difficult or awkward the issue is. 

I encouraged her to talk to me about her period, her relationship with other girls and boys, her feelings, her weaknesses, her challenges, bullies, admirers etc. I told her that if someone is crushing on her or she is crushing on somebody, she should let me know first before taking any decision or before talking to anyone else about it apart from her mum.

 I promised her that I will never judge or condemn her for whatever she share with me rather, I will always listen and guide her on the right path. Initially, she felt uncomfortable but when she perceived my sincerity, understanding and willingness to help, she nodded and promised not to hide anything from me.

I know that deep in your heart, you daughters want to confide in your fathers about critical issue but your greatest fear is how they will react. You are afraid of your fathers getting angry or judging you. You are afraid of them betraying your trust. So you would rather confide in a friend or someone else that you think will understand and give you the necessary support. 

But the major problem with that step is that most girls have fallen into wrong hands by seeking advice from wrong people who took advantage of their naivety while others have been given wrong counsel that ended up ruining their lives. 

Girls, trust me the best man to confide in is your Dad because he wants the best for you. However, fathers must develop the emotional stability and listening ears to manage any information that their daughters share with them. Such information should not be the reason for condemnation, it should become the subject for morning devotion or spread around to third party.

3) IT’S OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS BUT THEY MUST BE WELL MANAGED

I made my daughters realized that as she continues to grow up, she will experience different emotional feelings associated with each stage of development.

I explained to her that now that she has reached puberty, she should not be surprised that there may be changes in her emotions and that does not mean anything is wrong with her morally.

 I said the problem is not the feelings but what she allows the feeling to lead to. I pointed out that at a stage in her development she may even have desire to be close to somebody from the opposite sex.

I said to her that those feelings have been implanted by God to be explored in a legitimate marital relationship and that they should not be acted upon prematurely or allowed to be the basis for decision making. I could remember using the analogy of a fruit. I asked her that if a mango fruit is plucked prematurely without waiting for it to be ripe, how will it taste? She said it will taste sour. 

I went ahead to explain that exploring emotional or romantic feelings prematurely will always leave a sour taste of sexually transmitted disease, unwanted or teenage pregnancy, early marriage, poor marital choices, dropping out from school etc. I told her a story of one of the best students in my class in secondary school who dropped out of school in JSS 3 because she got pregnant. 

Thereafter, we both agree that she will discipline herself and wait until marriage before exploring her emotional feelings. In the same vein, I am obliged to advice the daughters reading this letter to discipline themselves enough not explore emotional or romantic feelings until they get into legitimate relationship of marriage where God has ordained for such feelings to be properly explored. 

I know this may sound like old school music for 21st century girls but the benefits of heeding the advice are far reaching and life-transforming. 

4) PROTECT YOUR HEART FROM PEOPLE WHO DON’T VALUE IT

As we continued in our discussion, I said to my daughter that she should do everything possible to protect her heart from those that may abuse it because they don’t value it, males and females inclusive. 

I want to let you girls and ladies realize that it is very painful and frustrating to give your heart to someone who doesn’t deserve it. He will definitely abuse it without apology or remorse. It’s like giving children food to the dogs. 

Regardless of the level of attraction, always make sure you are in control of your emotion. Never allow yourself to “love” someone helplessly to the point that you allow him or her to abuse you verbally, physically and emotionally without giving any consideration to how you feel. 

You are too precious to God to be treated like that by anybody. Your heart should be given to God first and then to someone who will long for it, cherish it, nurture it, adore it and will never break it. Such person is worth waiting for. 

5) MAKE DADDY YOUR BEST FRIEND 

I could recall that I told my daughter that I want to be her best friend not just her Dad. I said I wanted her to see me as somebody that is approachable. Someone she can cry to. Someone she can confide in. Somebody she play with.

 I said I wanted both of us to work together as a Team such that anyone trying to fight her will also have to fight me. I encouraged her to always share with me, whatever she would be willing to tell her best friend because that is what I want to be to her.

It is important for Daughters to understand that it is safer to make Dad your friend because he is the only man who has your best interest at heart at least for the moment. 

Right now, he is supposed to be the most important man in your life before Mr. Right will show up. Your relationship with your father will form the foundation for the kind of relationship you will have with other men especially your future husband.

Ideally, Daddy will always stand by you no matter what you are going through. I also wish the fathers could understand this about their daughters.

6) YOUR ASSOCIATION CAN MAKE OR MAR YOUR DESTINY

I took time to explain to my daughter that every company we keep has a serious impact our lives which could either be positive or negative.

I made her realize that there is no neutral relationship. Relationships are like elevators; they either take us down or up.

 I believe every father owes it to their daughters to enlighten them on the danger of negative relationship. I have taken time to point out to my daughter some of the symptoms of negative relationships which include the following:

A) Any company that draws us away from God

B)Any friendship that influences us to make wrong choices

C)Anyone who does not respect our personal boundaries. Anybody who tries to take away from us prematurely, what they can never put back

D)People who don’t have personal moral value. Those who consider everything to be permissible.

E)Every girl child should beware of people described above and stay away from them as much as possible.

7) NEVER ALLOW YOUR GENDER TO LIMIT YOU

One of the things I emphasized to my daughter is that she should aspire to be the best she could be. I remember telling her that academically, the least I expect from her is Ph.D. I want to encourage all the daughters reading this letter never to allow your gender to set a limit to what you can achieve. This is 21st century and most of the customs, traditions, norms and belief systems about the superiority of men are being broken. As a girl child, I want you to belief in yourself. 

Though you are different from men, you are not inferior to men. 

There is nothing a man can do in terms of achievement and potential for greatness that a woman cannot do. We now have female Presidents, Chief Judges, and Heads of multi-national Corporations all over the world. Your gender as a female is not a disability but uniqueness.   

CONCLUSION

It is my firm belief that the same manner the 7 things that I shared with my daughter as highlighted above assisted her to overcome some of the personal issues she was struggling with and thereby transformed her relationship with me, they will go a long way in helping all girls on Purple Light Platform in their personal relationships and in their relationships with their fathers and other important adults in their lives.

Thank you and God bless.

Sunday Adebamiro, Pfd

Extraordinary Success Coach and 

Certified Family Life Instructor.